What's True + Failing Is Success + What's Hard is Relative

The theme for me this week has been "what's true"? A lot of what we experience in our day to day is very different from what those around us experience, and in many cases how we experience the world can be really different from what we experience in the world. For example:

Reading - I'm currently rereading Robert Wright's Why Buddhism Is True. The premise is pretty simple, and the implications are profound. In short, our feelings lie to us -- or at least they can in the context of modern times. Natural selection tries to drive everything we do, even if it’s counter to what we want to do, and that's what causes most of our suffering. The way this plays out is that our feelings tell us to do something, but because the world has changed so much in the history of our species, it's almost like our feelings are lying to us in these current times. He uses road rage as an example. For most of human history it would be in a person's best interest to punish someone who they felt disrespected by; that punishment of another would increase the tribal standing of a person and make them more likely to elevate in society or pass along their genes. In today's world though, road rage (acting out this revenge) gets us no end. The challenge then is to learn how to get what our conscious mind pines for - the goals that we set for ourselves - by creating the space to act in accordance with our thoughts and not just our feelings or instincts. Buddhism’s method for this is mindfulness, which is why Wright is claiming the truth of it. But if mindfulness meditation isn’t your thing there are many other ways in everyday life to act in line with your goals. Pause for a beat, count to ten, take a few deep breaths, say a prayer, or just center yourself. Even in today's fast paced world, acting a little slower, with space between your feelings and actions, you'll still have enough time to create the outcomes you want. And heck, it might even contribute to the continuation of your species' long term existence.

Thinking - January is a month where a ton of people set out to build new habits, break old ones, and become a better version of themselves. The thing is, almost 2/3 of people abandon their resolutions in less than 30 days, a new study shows. I wonder why that is. My best guess is that when we make one mistake, miss one day, or slip one time, we quit. The thing is, most success doesn't come without failure, and as long as we learn something and get up to try again, every failure is a success. Change is rarely like a light switch. It’s almost always like a slider. You move gradually to being fully “on” from “off”. Keeping the perspective on what we have done, versus what we failed to do can be all the difference. Did you set out for a dry January and "only" make 15 days? That's a two week success. Did you complete a Whole 23 instead of a Whole 30? Guess what, you're 70% of the way there. Take pride in what you achieved. And don't wait until next January to try again. No one says you can't have a dry February? (February is three days shorter too!)

Listening - My Audible stream right now is tuned to The Hard Thing About Hard Things by Ben Horowitz. It's an interesting listen and I'm taking both solace and inspiration from it. Horowitz was pretty close to the top of Netscape and helped Marc Andresseen turn that business into a catalyst for what today's internet is born of. He went on to found other tech start ups, and while the book starts out as a greatest hits it moves smoothly into the challenges he faced in the deepest and darkest days of running some organizations. He talks about what it's like to see the economy shift under you as a new business is built on a now-empty assumption, How heavy it is to be responsible for 400 employees and their families' well-being when you only have three weeks of payroll in the bank. He writes about the "no right answers" quandary of sticking out a company saving fundraising trip while he learns mid-journey that his wife is hospitalized with an allergic reaction. His thesis is that while some problems have plans and strategies to help you overcome them, there are just some hard things that can't be solved with a model. You have to assess the situation, make a decision, move forward, and hope you did the right thing. Then you keep checking in and course correct. That's not to say that any problem should be tackled without referencing what's worked for others; it's actually the opposite. Most crises and conundrums we face in life can be solved by looking to those who have come before us, but sometimes we need to look not to how they navigated the turbulent waters, but just to take inspiration from their forward motion in the face of uncertainty.

Let's all have a well-paced, see-the-win, forward-moving week.

Ancient Wisdom + Communication Styles + Thich Nhat Hanh

I've been aiming to build a habit of weekly sharing with this team for some time now. Consider this email my inaugural foray into a new habit. The idea is just to plant a few seeds that I've picked up this past week, in hopes that they can bloom into some deeper conversations. It's not intended to be "work" related at all.

As I build momentum, I'll be very open and acknowledge that I'm going to need your help. Feedback and accountability will be required to keep this up. My ask of you is simple: share your thoughts (with me or the team) if anything resonates with you in any given week's email.
The aim is to share three things that hit home in my week's wanderings through reading, listening, watching, talking, thinking, or reflecting on current events. I'm not sure how or where this will evolve, but I promise that it will be honest...and sometimes a bit long...but here we go:

Reading - Charlie "Tremendous" Jones says that “you will be the same person in five years as you are today except for the people you meet and the books you read.” I think that's oversimplifying it a little, but it does a good job underscoring the importance of books. I wasn't a big reader coming out of school as so much of what I took in was dictated by curriculum. Since I've learned that I now get to choose what I intake, reading has become a much bigger piece of my life. My first read of this year is 2022 is Robin Waterfield's Meditations: The Annotated Edition. Meditations is essentially a number of private journals kept by Rome's 16th Emperor, Marcus Aurelius. It's been on my list for a while and I find it incredibly interesting to see what drove Marcus to approach his seat as he did. In a long line of very powerful rulers, Marcus chose the path of responsibility when and where others took the path of great privilege. As stoicism has a bit of a modern revival today (Ryan Holliday's books draw a lot from Stoicism) it's helpful to dive into one of the earliest studies by a Stoic practitioner.

Thinking - I have a tendency toward defensiveness and it's something I actively work to reduce. Though I put a ton of effort into being open, and I fancy myself a person who can see things from lots of different angles, my communication style can sometimes end up being less palatable than I'd like. A friend reminded me of something this week that's been very helpful. It's a categorization of communication into three styles: non-assertive, assertive, and aggressive.

• Non-assertive communication ignores one's own rights and allows for others to take advantage of someone; it leads to resentment, the feeling of being used, and accumulated anger.
• Assertive communication is emotionally honest and direct; it uses "I" statements and creates confidence and self-respect; it ensures that needs are met and that relationships are freer and clear.
• Aggressive communication is filled with "you" statements that express or defend one's own rights at the expense of others; while emotionally expressive, it's done to self-aggrandize and diminish others. Aggressive communication many times comes from saving up resentment that's been accumulated because of non-assertive communication, then lashing out in anger.

It can be hard to say "no" when people ask for things, but the truth is pretty simple. Everyone has the right to ask for anything they way; we then have the right to simply say "yes" or "no". The responsible way to do this is to listen to what we have to give, and be true to that in the most kind but honest (assertive) way possible.

Reflecting - this week the world lost Thich Nhat Hanh. He was an amazing activist, thinker, writer, and doer. I was introduced to his work by a friend named Djenno Bacvic about 10 years ago. He was hugely influential in bringing the ideas of mindfulness to the West through some of his actions, speeches, and musings like The Miracle of Mindfulness, Peace Is Every Step, and You Are Here. Independent of any religious stance (he even wrote a book called Living Buddha, Living Christ) Hanh's approach of seeing every moment as a miracle is inspiring. He personifies the idea that what is simple is not easy, even though in many ways he made the practice look effortless. He reminds us that there is beauty in suffering, not because suffering is beautiful, but because of what it ultimately brings us. The world is a much, much better place because he shared his view.

I hope you all have a timeless, assertive, miracle of a week.