Wired for Love + Action Under Stress + Colin Kaepernick's Children's Book + Alone Together Tuesdays

It was a crazy stressful week. As the weekend wraps up, I'm grateful for the clarity that's arisen around the situations that created such stress. There's a lot of relief in knowing what is, versus wondering what will be. So much of what troubles us comes from the unknown and our expectations. Sometimes I find bits of peace in simple presence; other times I find it in distraction. Here's what I've been diving into this week to move my mind out of future-world:

Reading - How Love Changes Your Brain is a piece about neuroscientist Stephanie Ortigue’s new book, Wired for Love: A Neuroscientist’s Journey Through Romance, Loss and the Essence of Human Connection. The article walks us through the a few ways that human interconnectedness have physical impacts and cause chemical reactions in our bodies. As someone who is an only child and spent a lot of time living alone, I long discounted the need for intimate connections. Part of that distance is likely due to an introverted nature, but there's also part of that aloofness that's rooted in feeling bad about not being "naturally wired" for instant and easy connection. Dr. Ortique touched on this a bit with a brilliant comparison of loneliness to thirst. She questions why we feel guilty for being lonely, when it's simply an emotion that's telling us we crave connection. (To quote one of my favorite songwriters, Jerry Joseph: love is like water...though the song is titled Light Is Like Water, which is also a short story in a book called Strange Pilgrims by Gabriel Garcia Marquez, but I digress...) When we find someone who's thirsty, we give them a drink. Ortique suggests though that the best way to combat loneliness is not to connect the lonely with another person, but to also ask for their help. We have an innate desire to be interconnected and contribute to the well being of others. By activating this deep rooted desire, we can build up others and drive away loneliness, by showing them their importance and how they improve the world around them.

Listening - I tuned into an old Radiolab episode on stress this week. It ventured into many interesting areas, but the one that jumped out at me most was what physiologically happens to us when we are under duress. Our body shuts down its unnecessary functions and does only what required and most useful to keep us safe. When we are challenged to stay alive, we turn off our minds and just rely on instinct to perform the most critical functions of survival. Oddly though this is not what we do when challenged in other ares of our life, especially our businesses. When our businesses begin to falter, many times our minds go to amazing lengths to think of what we can do to keep it afloat; what are we not doing that we should be doing, and what are all the ways that we can do that? In real estate (and pretty much in every other business too) we should follow the model of our bodies and only do the critical things that are critical to survival. Foremost among those is to lead generate. Just like your body during fight or flight, increasing client contact and upping your prospecting activities is your business's way of raising its oxygenation, blood flow and neuro-responsiveness. Our bodies are such amazing creations and provide such clarity for how to operate. It's funny that our minds trick us into not following the physical lead.

Thinking - Colin Kaepernick recently released a children’s book titled I Color Myself Different. I haven't yet read it, but I'm excited to do so. Kaepernick has turned his exclusion from the NFL into an amazingly powerful story. When disallowed to play the game he loves, earn a living through his craft, and removed from the stage that allowed him to spread a message, he found a way to keep his voice heard. I so greatly admire his courage to stand up for what he believes in. I applaud his incredible commitment to a just cause. And I respect his ability to take a shameful blackballing by the NFL and turn it into a larger message and opportunity. So many people with physical gifts, incredible skill, and high levels of privilege or achievement stop at simply enjoying the fruits of their effort. It takes a level of awareness and responsibility to use fame and fortune to further a cause, but that's the best use of celebrity and success. It takes even more creativity and grit to continue that crusade when the platform for your message gets removed. 

Weekly Gig - Another one of my favorite songwriters is Hayes Carll. During the pandemic he did a series of streams called Alone Together Tuesdays. Here's a show from July of 2020. I hope you enjoy.

Have a connected, essential, and meaningful week. 

Is It Cake? + The Importance of Curiosity + Literalisms + A Sailor's Guide To Earth

Spring Break is winding down in DC, and our family spent the week holed up at the Wood House rather than visiting family in Massachusetts as originally planned. It was a great way to return to a slower pace, spend time together, and dig in the dirt. I hadn't been there in about two months and nature has definitely decided it's spring. The gardens are coming alive, the water level is up, and the animals are stirring. 

The down time allowed for a wide array of inspiration, including these things I've been: 

Watching - I loved game shows growing up. It seemed like they dominated TV in the 80s. Whether it was Press Your Luck, Hollywood Squares, Family Feud, Jeopardy, or any other board game transferred to the tube, I was enthralled. Then in the late 90s reality TV pushed everything else aside and took over the airwaves. I can't say I was a huge fan. Recently though there seems to be this interesting intersection of the two where a recurring cast of contestants compete against one another. Our family has fallen down the rabbit hole of one such series called Is It Cake? It's a pretty simple premise: nine pastry chefs compete to see who can fool a panel of judges by creating ultra-realistic cakes. Then the host, Mikey Day of SNL fame, pulls out a giant chef's knife, looks knowingly at the camera and asks "Is it cake?" before attempting to slice into whatever item the judges have chosen. Admittedly this show is down right silly, but if you're looking for a half hour TV nonsense, I recommend you indulge. Maybe it's the baker's artistry that's engaging. Maybe it's trying to guess which thing is actually cake. Maybe it's just the host's ability to find endless ways to deliver the show's tagline and always snag a laugh. Who knows, but I'm pretty sure you'll find it entertaining.

Reading - I just picked up Invent and Wander: The Collected Writings of Jeff Bezos. It's a collection of Bezos' letters to shareholders as well as pieces from interviews and speeches. I haven't gotten into the body of the book just yet, but the foreward by Walter Isaacson is wonderful. Isaacson has written incredible biographies on Benjamin Franklin, Albert Einstein, Steve Jobs, Leonardo DaVinci and others. According to Isaacson, the things that pulls these inventors and titans of industry together is not intelligence; it's creativity and imagination. The thread that he sees between his subjects is trifecta of childlike curiosity and wonder, a blending of arts and science, and an ability to think differently. I'm. excited to see how these traits appear in Bezos' writing and speeches. I'm also very inspired to pick up a few of Isaacson's other tomes now. 

Thinking about - Zachary is currently in the throes of a playful stage I'll call "literalism for the sake of dissonance". If you're a parent you've likely been through this phase. Five minutes is exactly five minutes. A little embellishment from his sister gets responded to with an "actually...". You know where this goes. As frustrating as this can be, it's got me thinking about places we use certain words whose literal meanings may not serve us all that well. Agency is a big thing for me, so the obvious examples are saying can't when I mean won't or choose not to; using need to or have to when I really mean will or want to. Another big subconscious offender for me are is should. Should is an expectation that you've accepted from the outside world. It's an easy word to lay out there, but having full agency means taking a beat and asking yourself, "is this something that I choose to do?" What literalisms are triggers for you? Which ones slip into your lexicon and may not serve you well?

I'm trying something new this week, attempting to sync this blog post with an email blast. As a little celebration, I'm adding a new link to the post. Each week I'd like to share a YouTube concert that I recently enjoyed. 

The inaugural show is from Sturgill Simpson. It's a complete live performance from 2016 of his third studio album A Sailor's Guide to Earth.

Enjoy a musical and curious week. 

The Tao of Ted Lasso + The Power of Regret + The Soul in Guitar Solos

I've felt like I've been in a little of an intake rut for the last few weeks. Most of the reading, listening, watching, and interacting I've done has been with the same people and places I usually lean on. That consistency is key to my health and stability, but when I become overly aware of it, I try to push into a few new places. This week I tried to do that by moving into a few lighter places. Sometimes it worked exactly like I thought it would, and other times it really surprised me. It's like that famous line from Forrest Gump...

Anyway, here's a bit of what I've been: 

Watching - I haven't binged a show since Netflix delivered DVDs through the mail, but this weekend I devoured both seasons of Ted Lasso in about 36 hours. Watching TV was about all I felt like doing between long bouts of sleep as I fought off my first run in with covid. And this seemed like just the simple sitcom to get me through. I was so right, and so wrong. The show definitely got me through, but what I thought would be two dozen episodes of one level comedy turned out to be an incredibly well rounded, thoughtfully layered series; one of the best I've watched in a long time. The range of characters provides a wide array of people to identify with, each with deeply human issues, redeeming qualities, and relational challenges. Every member of the ensemble cast allows for an examination of who we are, who we might be, and what we struggle with. The writing doesn't openly ask us these questions. It doesn't probe too deep. It just lets the viewer answer the questions for characters...and for themselves. And then there are the simple life lessons of Coach Lasso. Despite fighting his own deep and difficult demons, he delivers unwavering dedication to everyone else, and to the mission of life instead of surface level sport. He keenly hones in on winning the personal battle over the game, becoming the best person possible by being the best player possible, and by shifting the focus from the results we get to the actions we take. If you haven't seen it, I highly encourage you to stream some Ted Lasso (though something tells me I might be the last person in America to watch the show). Now...can someone help me understand the weird Coach Beard episode in Season Two? 

Listening to - Earlier in the week I listened in on Liz listening to her favorite podcast, Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard. It was like podcast voyeurism, but that's a whole other entry. :-) Armchair Experts is self-described as interviews with "celebrities, journalists, and academics about 'the messiness of being human'". I mean, who can deny loving the uncovering of human messiness through great conversation? This episode featured Daniel Pink. He is the author of seven books, three of which are New York Times' Best Sellers. In 2009 Pink authored Drive: The Surprising Truth About What Motivates Us back in 2009 which is a favorite of mine. His latest book, The Power of Regret: How Looking Backward Can Move Us Forward is about the four types of regret and what they can do for us. I wrote a bit about regret a few weeks ago and so this listen was really well timed. Pink says that we experience regret in four types: foundation, boldness, moral, and connection. I can't wait to read the book and learn more, but at first glance these all seem to say one thing to me: we regret things because of the effect on us and those we love. We either don't work or save or study hard enough and it limits what we achieve and what we can pass on. We regret not taking actions to stand up for others or ourselves. We regret going against what we know is right because it tears us down and takes away from others. We regret losing touch because we know that we are fundamentally an interconnected species. So how do we live without regret? I think it's by living bravely, which is to do what's right even when it's hard. What helps you live without regret? 

Reading - For a little lighter note, I loved reading this interactive piece called Why We Can't Quit the Guitar Solo. To start it features thoughts from some of all time favorites guitarists: Vernon Reid, Joey Santiago, and J Mascis. The piece also has great visuals and a nice high level progression of how the guitar solo evolved. The point of the piece though, is that while the guitar solo may have apexed in one way -- the virtuoso note playing or scale execution -- it has no bounds for its true purpose, which is emotional expression. That's what we love about music in all its forms. It's art. It's the human expression of our deepest emotions. So whether you're more Kim Tahyil or Joan Baez, rock on. 

For a parting thought, I've had this hanging around in an open browser tab for a few weeks. I read a piece in March that surprised me. The Utah governor vetoed a transgender sports ban in March. I found this a really brave move for a Republican leader in today's hyper-divided political atmosphere where every decision is a purity test. The best part though was his rationale; he explained by saying, "I struggle to understand so much of it...[but] when in doubt however, I always try to err on the side of kindness, mercy and compassion."

May your week be deeper than you thought and filled with kindness, mercy, and compassion in your moments of confusion.

Type II Fun + Finding Your Own North Star + Remembering Taylor Hawkins + LEGO Bonus

We wrapped up the first quarter of the year last week. When it comes to increments for reflection a quarter of a year is a really nice time chunk for me. It's not as massive as a year, where so much gets sifted out. And it's greater than a single month, where the establishment of habits, or the progress toward a big goal are harder to see. As I get older it seems that each month, each quarter, each year goes by faster. I guess that's inevitable since time is a relative reflection of where we've been. The longer we've been here, the shorter the increments seem in comparison. It's a good reason to stay as present as possible. By living in the moment, you remove yourself from the passage of time ever so slightly. 

Here's what else I've been:

Thinking - as I recover from my little snowboarding slip last week, I've been reflecting on an idea called Type II fun. I love this sketchplanation of the fun scale. (By the way, I definitely snowboard in the Type I fun category, so I probably shouldn't be as sore as I am!) The term Type II fun sprung up in the outdoor adventure world a while back and it basically boils down to things that are really difficult (maybe not even fun) in the moment, but are fun in reflection. Think about running a marathon, competing in a triathlon, climbing a mountain, maybe even your morning workout. Another way to say it is that they are rewarding, rather than enjoyable. The idea correlates pretty well with one that I use a lot at work: the urgent / important matrix, sometimes known as the Eisenhower Matrix. Type II fun is that upper right quadrant of important and not urgent. It is critical for our growth and personal success. It's the stuff that would be important but not urgent at the office. Type I fun is great; it's needed. It's the stuff that makes us smile and laugh. It puts out the fire, but Type II fun is the stuff that makes us glow. 

Reading - A friend recently recommended that I pick up something by Martha Beck, so I perused her catalog and chose Finding Your Own North Star. The premise is that each of us have two selves. The first is our essential self; it's who we are deep down, our best, most focused, flowing, centered, joyful self. The second is our social self; it's who we become because of outside forces in our environment, whether we want to or not. This idea isn't a new one, and social pressures are something that we all take on whether we intend to or not. Beck calls this social force the Everybodies. They're the groups of people that we select to represent the larger segments of society that are important to us. In reality they are not a true representation of the general public; they're usually not even a true representation of our environmental influencers. Because of that disproportionate imbalance, we put too much weight on these social opinions of who we are -- and who we are told we should be. Beck also talks about an Everybody that nourishes our essential self. These are the people that support who we are at our core and who encourage who we want to be in our heart of hearts. When we can find that Everybody, they influence our social self to align with our essential self. And that's when and where we become our best self. 

Remembering - Taylor Hawkins, drummer for the Foo Fighters, died on March 25th. Honestly I was a little too stunned to write about it last week. I needed to listen to all of those anthems before I could reflect on the shocking loss. Hawkins was a true rock star. He went all out, studied his craft, honed his chops, honored his idols, loved his fans, adored his family, battled his demons, corrected his course, and played incredibly versatile, kick ass drums. He had one of the biggest challenges in all of rock music history: he took the drummer's kit in a band behind Generation X's most famous drummer, Dave Grohl. To be clear, he didn't replace Grohl in Nirvana. He created something entirely different as Hawkins and Grohl build the Foo Fighters into the most Grammy winning American band of all time. Here's a little 60 Minutes clip on the two best friends. It's probably been 15 years since I saw the Foos, and it's an experience I'll never forget. I was lucky enough to slip into a show they played at the 930 Club in the mid aughts. Putting a stadium band into a box that's built for 1,200 people is just insane, and a massive part of that sonic insanity was Taylor Hawkins. I'm so fortunate to have experienced that, and the world is so lucky to have the Foo's music to remember Taylor.

Appreciating - Some things are just better said with blocks than with words. 10 Life Changing Ideas Visualized out of LEGO.

Have a rocking, well stacked, essential week.